The Difference in One Day

What a difference a day can make.

I follow many of yesterday's paths

I've enjoyed the quiet.
I can hear my own thoughts
almost as if the wind
and rustling trees
and rusty trains
and rippling
emerald green
splashed water
were echoing the words
without me even speaking them.


And I think
I hesitate at the word "think"

I sense

Yes,that's the word

I sense that You have begun
to enter my silent space

I look around me
peak after peak after majestic peak

How silly of me
to sense You only now.


You began this space
There wasn't any need for You to enter it


OK, so my silent space
must be one and the same
with this space
around me Holy
my silent space
has been void of Holy


probably not because You left altogether.


I must have brushed You into a corner
and painted You
the corner
empty
gone.


I do recall not so long ago
telling You
yelling You
pleading for an answer

I CAN'T DO THIS

You said You already knew that


I can't


You said that "THIS" isn't for me to do
You said"let go of THIS"
"get out of the way of THIS"
You said that You are in charge of THIS


not me.


At that time
I didn't necessarily want You to agree
with my conclusion
that I couldn't do "this"


Maybe I wanted You instead
to boost me up with courage
to bundle me up with strength
to tell my simply
that I could.


I wanted to fix the world
I wanted to make everything better
I wanted to displace every angry, jealous, hurtful, hateful, violent pain
with peace.


The problem
(You know this already)
was that I had
I have
no peace
to trade for all the pain.

So I couldn't do "this"
because "this" was carrying, fixing, and erasing all the world's anger.


There was little chance of me
fixing a world-size problem.


When You said, "I know you can't"
I thought You were saying
that such problems
should be left
to more powerful forces
than me.

I thought you were saing that I needed to give You
these world-size problems
because You are much better suited
for "world-size".

Maybe that was part of Your message.
But the other part was hidden.

Until now.

The reason I can't do this
is that I first need to create a space
within me
for peace

Collect enough of it
and dispose of enough anger and shame
that I have something to give.

If my heart only holds sadness
than the world won't benefit much.